Heh. I read through many, many, many of my old entries into this thing today. It's crazy how things change.

"So are you hatin' on me now?"
"No, I'm not hatin' on you?"
"Well, I didn't know if the tie was hostile or not."
"Not entirely."
"Well, speak your mind. What's up?"
"There's just been a lot on my mind lately, but I gave you the tie because it has been sitting in the same spot since Homecoming. I just needed to give it back."
"Anything else? I know there's more."
"I'm okay, really. Were the Netherlands taken in gov?"
"Don't think.. and if you seriously had something on your mind, you'd tell me, right?"
"I would want to."
"But you wouldn't."
"I want to talk to you. I feel like I have a million things to say to you at any given moment. Funny things, serious things, sad things, and intellectual things. But you have so much on your plate right now. Pat, track, school, life. I want you to focus on the important things."
"You're a person. Most importantly, a friend. That's the freaking problem. Education just one day became more important than people. You can talk to me. I kind of got upset that you seemed so rushed today and I didn't get to talk with you. You still mean a lot to me, but it's okay to talk and tell me what's on your mind."
"First of all, I hate physics. Secondly, I don't know what I want. I don't have a thing that is mine, that I'm good at. College is freaking me out and I'm scared out of my mind to make a decision. Third, I feel like I don't know myself anymore. This person I am is afraid of the world and people's opinions and I want to stop caring about those things. I want to figure out what I believe. I want to be like Grace in that she will never settle for something that is less than she deserves. I wish I had it in me to break the rules. To write a note to my dad telling him I'll be back soon, but I need to get out. To stand up for myself against everyone who can't take me out of their daily conversation."
"Well, it's okay because that's what people like you and me have to experience, especially at our age. I gave up on physics. But you'll make the right decision. You're good at plenty of things. I'm sorry things with your parents aren't great, but you never did anything to deserve that. It's not all your fault, Abby. You can't blame yourself. You are amazing, you are strong, and I'm proud to say you're a friend. One that cares, and makes me happy in more ways than one, and is unselfish. Trust me, I wouldn't make it up. I look up to you, just stray strong. I know you've got it in you, it's who you are."
"But all these things you're saying are only coming from you. Erin and Grace and Kevin.. they're saying the complete opposite. On days like today, it feels like you're the only one on my side, and while it's appreciated more than you'll ever know, it's unnerving to have ONE person standing behind you."
"But maybe they don't matter. People who are going to be like that are actually worse than what they say you are. You can't listen to everyone, and I'm sorry they were your best friends, but if they can't accept you, then they are the problem. Not you."
"Yeah, maybe, but after four years of a friendship like that, it's incredibly difficult to just put it in the past. I bought a prom dress the other night, and I cried. It was so strange doing it without Grace. Duquesne is giving me 10K but I don't know if that place is right for me. There are a million uncertanties and I don't like that."
"Go where you want to, not where you have to. That's what my dad says. Just because they're giving you money doesn't mean it will fit you. Don't worry about the money, go were you'll have the best college experience."
"I know. I'm sorry if I've kept you up late."
"You're worth it, and you would have done the same."

Had three. Now zero.

The first has been. and always will be, a liar, so I guess it's only fitting. Responsibilities, he said. The choice between two people he loved, he said. Convenient, really. A lie the whole time, I knew. Friends, of course. So much better than before. It boggled my mind, really, but I certainly wasn't one to complain. The past week has been anything but normal, but he's been by my side, asking every night how I'm handling it all. Yesterday was the worst because that was the day I had to admit to myself that he hasn't changed. He still lies, but he thinks it's chivalrous because it's for my own protection. He doesn't want to hurt me. So, knowing everything I knew, I built a wall, like I always do. Without a second thought, he tried to knock it down, asking me the usual questions, but this time I found it so much more difficult to be honest with him. I couldn't do it. I told him I was fine, and turned back to the computer, but he wouldn't leave my side. Are you sure you're okay, he asked. My focus remained on the screen, and I answered robotically, yes. One hand slid to my cheek as he turned my face to look at him, and the other rested on my arm. And then he pulled out a line from the books, one that is so cheesy in writing, but so heartfelt when it hits the ear. "I can see it in your eyes that something's not right. I just wish you'd trust me with whatever it is. Maybe I've never given you a reason to trust me, but I need you to know that right now, right here, I'm ready for this. I'm ready for whatever you have to say. So please just let me in." Naturally, I walked right out the door.

The second is holding the first one against me.

This is the first time in a very long time that I can honestly say that I don't feel anything. I don't feel happy or sad, excited or nervous, loved or hated. I don't feel anything.

I think it's ironic that I'm being preached at by people that can't even live the words that they're saying. They can pray for me, but they won't consider the idea of NOT spreading rumors and gossip. I'm a whore, they say. How I can look at myself, they ask. I wonder the same things about them. Right now, I'm an open book. Everything I have is layed our for everyone to see. I am raw and exposed, and they're mocking me for it. They think they're better than me, and it may be true.. but from my perspective, we're all on the same level. They say one thing and do another, just like I did. Except they're the ones that go to Grace to comfort her, so it's okay when it's not me. She's another story. She's not like the rest of them. I have yet to hear someone tell me that she's smothering my name in the dirt. That, too, is ironic, because she's the only one that has every right to do it. That's life, I suppose.

On an entirely seperate note, I found something today. It just seemed to add on to everything that I've been thinking, everything he's saying. It's this never-ending circle. I know how it's going to end, but I can't change my path. It's like watching a train wreck, I guess. I can't look away, even though I know it's best. It confirmed my sole question, but it sparked my curiosity. How far is he willing to take this? How long is he going to hold my hand, how long will his shoulder be there for me to cry on? Every night, I try harder and harder to ignore what I know is the inevitable, but I almost don't want to. I want to let him help me, I want to accept his care and concern. I want all of our extremely unrealistic dreams to come true, and I want to run away from this town to give this a fighting chance.

Have I told you lately that I love you?
Fill my heart with laughter, makes it better
I hope that you feel the same as I do
Your love is like a warm, comfy sweater
And when the lights go down in the city
You are my shining star, you are oh so pretty
You are my one true peace, my pure white dove
And so I say, I can love you like that
I can give you my world, give you my heart
When you are with me, I'm happy, I'm glad
Once blind, you are my night light in the dark
And to you, this is my last serenade
My love for you will never fade

"Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and I don't have to be. But before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean." - Bob Marley

"You didn't lose your two best friends, Ab. You lost two good friends. If they were your best friends, you wouldn't have lost them." - Nathaniel

"You and me? We'll just run. I was dissappointed when you told me, but I was your boyfriend. Now, it sucks, I know, but you've got me. I'm not going anywhere." - Thomas Ruane

And what's that one by Dr. Seuss?
Something like "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

And last, but not least, "I love you like my own daughter, and I know you're strong. You're almost out of here. Just ride this tidal wave." - Mrs. Stallings

i8yourbluecrayon: I can understand what you're saying though. It's like a tease, just a little taste and then you have to wait for what feels like forever for the next serving.

Well, here I am. Back again. Absolutely out of my mind.

I've become comfortably numb. Sort of. Every word of every line that Nate throws in my face is completely deserved. As vicious as those words may be, I have to take it. I put him through an inconcievable amount of pain. All for what? My happiness? Lately, there's no such thing. I'm dating Thomas, but I'm incapable of feeling anything. I like him, but in the grand scheme of things, is that what's most important? Liking him? He made me feel good about myself at a time when I just wanted to hide from the world. I still do. I want to get in my car and go. I don't want to come back. While I seem to be numb to all other forms of emotion, my heart hurts. It feels like it's going to explode. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I've pretended to be happy, but it's not working. I have no one to talk to, so I'm left to dwell on these thoughts by myself, and that's always dangerous. I just wish I had a clue. I wish I knew how it would end. I like Thomas, I love Nate, but it just wasn't clicking anymore. I was comfortable, and right now, nothing in my world is familiar to me. For the past few days, I have been unable to do much of anything except cry, and that's not the way I want it to be. I just don't know.

She never slows down
She doesn't know why, but she knows that when she's all alone
It feels like it's all coming down
She won't turn around
The shadows are long and
She fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain, stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain, you won't drown
And one day, what's lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering, "If she stands, she'll fall down."
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from
She wants to give up and lie down.